I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
why does every cop we meet know your name?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
