That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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