you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize