I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
