Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
