Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm getting married
To pizza
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
