If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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