I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
