He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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