I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
