the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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