youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
