My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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