you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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