i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
