My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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