Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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