You're a womanizer and a bitch.
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
