I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
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