On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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