so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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