Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
