New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
