Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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