if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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