My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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