My liver just broke up with me...
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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