Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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