you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
