The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
