just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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