sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I think I am morally bankrupt
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
