Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
