Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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