I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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