i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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