This is not my ceiling
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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