i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
