Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
