Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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