I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
The beer is more important than you right now.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Found the puke drawer
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
