Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
