I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
