she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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