dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
