Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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