i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
