1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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