Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
