she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
