she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
