i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
