It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Let's get the cat blown out
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I need to align my fucking chakras
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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