chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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