Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
