I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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